7/100 of emotional badassery - In which we recharge by taking stock and cultivating gratitude

Photo by James Wainscoat on Unsplash
Phew! What a week! I missed writing so much those past few months, and I am so happy I started this challenge. This doesn’t mean it is easy or comfortable though. Creativity has a way of getting us in a very emotional place, especially when it means a lot to us. And boy, does this challenge matters to me. 
 
There are some mathematics in the process of change, one principle is that the deeper the personal meaning, the harder the resistance. I train myself to repeat that to my mind as often as possible. To me, it’s an emotional survival tactic. I am constantly exploring scary territories in some way or another.
 
I’m not warrioring all day long, because that would be self-violence and it’s important for me to strive towards wholeness, being as whole as possible, seeking what’s good and healthy for me. But it’s rare one of my days doesn’t include any kind of warrioring. So I need to remember badly how much resistance is part of the process, and even a great sign that I am progressing towards more awesomeness.
 
That’s how I practice courage, the act of feeling the fear, and doing it anyway. Another mathematical principle of change would be that the more we actively strengthen our brave muscles, the quieter the inner critic gets : they then know it’s pointless, they know they can’t bully us as easily.
But that doesn’t mean they shut up. They are still here, lurking and attacking when it matters the most : they know then that they have a better fighting chance to bully us into submission and self-abandonment of our dreams. 
 
This challenge is so many things for me. It’s me, taking myself seriously as a writer. Me, allowing myself to express on the most important topics for me : emotional badassery, life and creative process, fiercely loving relationships including love-grounded collaborative social justice. It’s me, deciding to stop hiding my work, and finally showing up the whole of who I am. Me, preparing for a podcast apparently, something that completely took me by surprise, but seems more and more obvious. Me, continuing on preparing for some future book writing. A lot of ‘me' for my taste. It’s absolutely and utterly terrifying. 
 
I am never talking about ground-breaking things. I believe most knowledge we have on humanity has been discovered almost as soon as humans got enough physical safety to allow themselves to relish into deep thinking. I am talking about many things that are talked about in many different ways.

And yet, it doesn’t make sense to me why I see and connect those things in ways I have so much trouble finding elsewhere, as if I could see a big puzzle when so much material I find is seeing a mess of many pieces not fitting together. I find that terrifying as much as it is confusing.
 
I oscillate between “Why on Earth do I feel so alone in this? It seems so obvious! If so many of us saw the same little pieces of humanity, how come we don't teach them more?” and “This cannot be true, I must be deeply wrong in some way to not find more of my people.”. I’m starting to realise that maybe it’s just my voice, the way I uniquely see things. Which is very exciting, and yet, again oh so terrifying. Finding worn out pathways might not be very exciting, but it has the perk of being reassuring.
 
I’m so grateful right now for all the people around me. I feel so supported by incredibly warm and loving individuals. With my routine, they are what grounds me both in reality and infuses me with courage. The more I look around me, and the more I see love and beauty. I’m stunned. I had struggled for so long trusting myself and therefore others. I was raised to think people are mostly malevolent. But the more I learn about myself and others, the less I find that to be true. 
 
I am so happy science (as imperfect -emotionally disconnected, sexist, racist and capitalistic- as it can be) finds ways to show how humans are wired for joy, kindness, and altruism. Those findings brought me to tears at times, my eyes are teary just writing about it. I’m in utter awe in face of the beauty of humanity. I am so grateful and proud to be a tiny part of the revolution the world is in. Even if it looks like a cruel battlefield devoid of love and profoundly lacking of spirituality right now, I can still see it, how it’s continuously growing and am deeply moved by its potential everyday. I feel so grateful to be human. As painful and scary as it gets.
 
I keep coming back of this idea of a hummingbird revolution
It comes from an old African tale. I have read that it is very old, but can only trace its origins to Kenyan activist Wangari Maathai on Youtube. Please let me know if you know more.
That beautiful story is telling us about a huge fire in the jungle. And all the animals are fleeing the heat and destruction, terrified, transfixed and powerlss in face of the destruction of their home. Except for the hummingbird. The hummingbird keeps flying to the sea, holding a little water in its beak and coming back to throw a few drops on the raging flames. Some animals, of course, mock its naivety. “Do you really think you’re going extinct the fire like this? With your ridiculously little beak? Why don’t you just give up?” The hummingbird doesn’t even bother to stop its back-and-forth, and just says “I’m doing my part”.
 
The hummingbird revolution is the core of why I am doing my job, creating my art and cultivate the fierce love that characterize each kind of my relationships : I’m doing my part, I am a hummingbird.

This is also why I see humanity and get so moved : I see so many of you, around and far away from me, doing your part. Each little time we love, help, support, heal, lead, teach, advocate, especially if we are honest, authentic, brave about it, we are doing our little back and forth, that may not look like much from where we stand.
 
But can you imagine the force to reckon with millions of little hummingbirds would be against the devastating fire of their home? That’s what I see when I look around me and see humanity like a whole, and dear Universe, believe me, the dance is wonderful to witness. 
 
Talk tomorrow,
Love, 
L.

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