There are so many things that are easy for me to write about. Relationships is not one of those topics.
It’s a bit paradoxical, giving how much I’ve read and learnt about it (and love it). And how much I’m talking about it constantly in my work.
But it’s not that surprising given the fact I’m so unsure about my ability to maintain loving relationships.
A part of myself, the one who would want to have perfect relationships gives me so many excuses not to do this. She was hurt a lot, traumatized too and worked so damn hard to heal, but still feels so fragile.
According to her, let’s call her the Wannabe Love Goddess, I’m not nearly as ready as I should be to do so.
But tonight, something inside of me, is calling me to do so. Denise, my beloved muse, whispers to my ear that I can write the things I’ve learnt so far, making sure I stipulate in writing I still have a long way to go. So I don’t feel too much like a fraud.
Damn this is scary.
The Wannabe Love Goddess also believes what I have to say is too controversial. It doesn’t get into a box.
I too often see relationships written about in 2 ways : to enhance love and harmony, or to enhance self-love and inner harmony. It often feels like both are incompatible.
I don’t believe that’s true at all. I believe they both work in synergy, don’t work as a stand alone, and that it cuddles us too much to stay on one or the other.
But deeply loving and authentic relationships get really uncomfortable. Not just sometimes, often. Cuddling won’t always help or heal.
My patients who read the most those things on Instagram or in books are also the ones who often are stuck the most in their cycles, because they find accounts and books which tell them what they want to hear more than what they need to get to get out of the cycles.
So today, I want to talk about uncomfortable things about love. I want to talk to the young Laetitia, the ones who was clueless about most things we learnt, about the things I wish I learnt earlier.
You don’t have to be afraid, you're going to be okay, I promise.
You’ve been fed two kinds of truths for years now.
One by your media. That love is grand, stronger than everything, especially hardship. That finding our true love is the highest accomplishment a human being can get to. That being deeply loved by most people around you is the way to be sure of your worth. That the highest kind of love you can give is sacrificial.
Another by badly analyzed experience and the culture and your direct environment. That people are cruel, mean and selfish. That no-one really cares. That competition, status, reputation, power and money makes people unloving by overpowering them. That you need to have strong defenses, otherwise they will hurt you. That no-one is really trustworthy. That you’re unlovable because who you are doesn’t fit in the neat boxes they try to crumple you in by force. That men will never be here for you and women will, until they betray you and trash you in your back.
Rest assured and don’t panic : none of this is really true. Most of the media have been created by people socialized to be unloving as possible without their awareness and to tell stories about what they dream love to be, rather what it actually is.The way our culture works doesn’t allow love to flourish the way we are wired to.
But we ARE wired to love, to show empathy, compassion, altruism, to collaborate. People are good in their heart. We really are, I wish you could see all the scientists who dared looking for this found in our biology recently. I can’t wait for what’s more to come on this.
I can feel this is going to be a long letter, so I’m going to stop there for now. I’ll be back tomorrow.
In badass love,