Damn. Here’s that daunting blank page again.
Getting back to my writing practice is definitely harder than anticipated.
It feels like twice the work for half the reward.
I hate this. Not wholeheartedly, but it’s so freaking uncomfortable and scary.
And I was hoping for more ease and comfort coming back, not less.
And then again, I know this is healing and growing territory.
It sucks hard sometimes, it gets deeply discouraging.
Feeling like we are being tested. Cursed on the worst days.
It’s also mathematical, a matter of balance.
By allowing social media back into my life, I opened the door again to distraction and fogginess in my priorities.
By taking my first actual vacation in 2 years, but also choosing to make them quite active, I chose to not be that rested when coming back. Full of happy memories and inspiration in general, but not rested.
By starting a lot of new things (job, Instagram commitment, a new challenge) and trying out a new structure, I’m adding up stress and anxiety to my life, making me crave harder my numbing mechanisms, getting back to my first point from this tiny list.
More social media, more love and joy, but also more problems.
Social media feels a lot like sex, food or Internet. Things I wouldn't want out of my life, that often make it more colourful but that also can easily be slippery and become addictive and avoidant/numbing strategies rather than bringing the pleasure and joy they can.
From here, all I can do is try to learn to develop a healthier relationship with them, one step at the time.
Accepting it will be messy and hard at times.
I will mess up regularly, and this will be the precious information on how I still sabotage myself. More simply, that I’m still human and alive.
In the mean time, it’s important to remember that ‘healthy’ is relative and doesn’t exist. No human carries a total absence of unhealthiness, no one is 100% healthy. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally. NONE of it actually exists.
All we can do is strive to be healthier (because it's better for us in the long run), and surrender to the idea that health perfection is no more real than any kind of perfection.
That it’s ok to want to make our life better, sweeter, yummier. As long as we know it can’t be perfect.
A hard balance to find. That we will lose again and again, very much like when we walk.
Did you know that walking is in fact physically losing our balance over and over, a form of controlled fall?
I LOVE this idea that to move forward, we actually stumble, and get balanced again, at each step.
How perfect is this image to represent life change?
The same way, change will be about losing our balance, and getting it back, and then losing it again, and getting it back again… Over and over, to move forward.
Because like health, perfect balance is bullshit. A dream state that doesn’t exist as is.
But they can both be interesting, even fundamental ways of seeing our lives. Because we all can feel how our life is unbalanced in terms of our needs, wants and values not being present enough. It gives us precious information.
Those feelings can therefore, as long as we don’t treat them as a goal or place of arrival, help up discern what we want to try to rebalance, each day (sometimes each moment) at the time.
I hope, my dear hummingbird, that you let yourself stumble and find your center again, knowing the stumbling is part of of the moving forward, and even more, of being human.