I am exhausted.
In so many ways, I love my life. But I tend to overfill my plate with commitments. I have this pretty wonderful problem of having too many things I love in my life, and well, it’s still exhausting (the problematic part).
Not nearly as depleting as doing a lot of things I hated and didn’t see the point of was, like it was a very long time ago. Or as draining as overcommit to things for other people so much that I didn’t have any time for myself used to be.
But still, such a heavy load, even of wonderfulness, becomes a burden and is unsustainable.
The happy news for me is that my new coach has asked me to start by clearing my plate before I do anything more.
I declutter my life on a regular basis, I needed to learn how to do it for emotional survival.
You don’t get from having a life full of things you don’t really enjoy and overcommitment to other people to “having too much things I love in my life” fake-sounding problem without some serious and regular decluttering.
But it’s a process. It has stages. Ass-kicking, and sometimes annoyingly, sneakily circling back stages.
So I’m working on making space this month. So far, it’s incredibly liberating. I’m reflecting on what matters to me a lot. Tough choices were made. Hard conversations were had. I’m setting boundaries for myself and others all over.
Some of it gets so hard. Right now, I’m questioning a project I really care about, but the only one on my plate which doesn’t feel like a “Fuck yeah!” anymore. If it was as good as it is on paper, I wouldn’t even think about ending it prematurely. But as it often happens, real life doesn’t hold its imaginary promises.
And something(s) has to go if I want to make room for more actual “Fuck yeah!” stuff.
So, I’m thinking seriously about it… It’s heart-breaking, I must say. But with a growing feeling of liberation in the background, always a good sign. Life is too short for overcommit to “meh” things.
In the mean time, Tiffany (my coach) dared me to take a social media break. I took all sorts of similar breaks in the past, I take one from social media and all social connections every Monday, and know from experience that it is deeply enriching and helpful. That I gain incredible clarity from it. And lots and lots of refueled badassery.
I also was trying to work on my relationship with social media lately, and not being very successful at it. Which is very frustrating. And makes my life more difficult than it needs to be.
So I gave it a try.
As always, it got very hard at first. I wrote about it all last week. And then it got awesome, as always. Well, sort of.
It allowed me to realize how exhausted and even more depleted than I thought I was. In greater need for the few days holidays I have coming up than I realized. Sometimes, progress feels shitty and uncomfortable. And accepting it rather than trying to change it is the courageous act we need to devote our energy to.
I’m going to start by stopping to try desperately to write more, when clearly I don’t have the energy to.
Hopefully improving my words tomorrow for my last day before a few days of writing break, which I decided on last week-end, as another way of embracing the state I am in. And not giving into that temptation of just giving up the project, which I don't really want to and would feel like a failure rather than liberation.
Listening to it, and making decisions that are better for me right now. Slowing down doesn’t feel as great as slaying things that matter in the moment, but they’re equally important for my growth in the long-term.