I have a hate/love relationship with yesterday’s post. It’ll end up in the category “half assed” I guess. Half-assed is better than nothing might very well be one of the most important mottos of recovery and change.
Sometimes, our best is half-assed. Other times, our best is just showing up and not even half ass it.
The challenge in those really lies in accepting the mediocrity of it all.
For a perfectionist in rehab like me, oh dear, it gets so hard at times. Half-assed prompt the alarm system. The perfectionism HQ is in total panic. Fortunately, other parts of me have been trained well to say to them :
You know what?
Respectfully, shut the fuck up right now. You mostly brought us misery and extra pain and suffering, you don't get to be the boss anymore.
You’re family, we have to find ways to tolerate your presence, we know you mean well, but your influence stops there. You don’t get to run meetings, you don’t get to take big decisions, the only right you have is to exist and state your opinions, that usually won’t be followed. That’s it Dude. You didn’t pass the helpfulness test.
Boy, did I need a big, tortuous and long training to get to this, and some more to actually mean it. Nd it still totally get me at times. But there’s a voice that doesn’t speak louder, just better, that is getting stronger through this process. The voice of authenticity, my voice, the deeper one from within.
The more it’s roaring, the more Miss Perfectionist is prone to tantrums and panic.
"What do you *mean* trusting myself and my intuition rather than rules and scripts?? Do you know what can happen? And you want to do this when something as important for us is happening??? Are you crazy?? Opposed! I’m OPPOSED to this dangerous and reckless endeavor. STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW"
And the calm little voice of Mama L can only say : I get that you're having scared feelings. It’s hard to let go. We’re not used to this. We were not socialized that way at all. And you brought us so many wonderful things in our life. Without you, we wouldn’t be where or who we are, not in a million years. You protected us the best you could while I was strengthening and training, thanks so so much. You mattered. You were important, you will always be, you’re a part of us, you’ll just be a different one from now on.
Right now, it’s not helpful anymore, you’re often harming us more than helping us. So it’s my turn to lead this family. Take a rest, I’ll take the wheel now. And we’ll see what happens. I’m sorry it’s hard for you.
And each time I have those weird talks with myself, often in my journal, sometimes in my head, a few times out loud, the smoother it gets. The more I can feel in my body that I made the right choice. And the more I can let happen wonderful things. More on that later, my dears, I’m exhausted. So I’ll 3 quarters-assed today’s text. And it will be enough.