36/100 days of emotional badassery - In which we are badassly loving our struggling self in its arena

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash
Empty brain. No thoughts. Quite the feat for my usually overactive mind.
I’m sitting down to write, and that’s how it feels right now. Resistance wears so many masks.
Tonight, it’s the blank page syndrome apparently.
My inner Rebel is a bit pissed. She didn’t expect me to follow through on most of my plans for the day.
She especially didn’t expect me to write so early, when I wrote mostly at 2am all week, sometimes after a “Oh SHIT! I almost forgot to write today”.
After a week full of surprises and stimulations, she was hoping to avoid some “duties”, just because. 
Sneaky beast, she always look out for way to undo the badassery by depriving me of things that matter.
Yes, the intention is to protect me from failure, but it’s still nourishing the idea that I have to make choices between the things that my heart deems as deeply non negotiable.
But like I promised to my inner critic in 15/100, I’m fudging doing this.
What I mean by this is in no way “I ignore my body and weakness" though.
I seeked help and support and I’m using it. 
I worked with my therapist on attuning to my inner very little one, and she delivered, so I’m honoring our work. 
I made sure to paint and take care of myself, so I could do this AND all the things I committed to. 
Well, most of the things. This definitely has been an imperfect week in terms of plans, badass weeks always are full of surprises
It was a great opportunity to realize I over scheduled myself. My body and cycle reminded me. And my weekly log in my bullet journal did too.
I had mini melt down too.
Telling out loud all the crazy lists I had in my head helped me notice how crazy they were. 
Saying no to myself, kindly but firmly, over and over, helped so much as well. Some badass self-parenting was needed.
Taking courses, learning things and watching TED talks on anxiety provoking stuff definitely helped. 
Oh the power of intentional purposeful action grounded in love. Making ourselves do things that are scary for our own good, without being too harsh on ourselves. Feeling the fear, and doing it anyway.
My coach gave me tons of content to peruse. Gaining clarity with badass self reflection, as hard as it got, was very liberating.
Mini boldly, I had to overcome my introverted avoidance of video and audio content in yet a new way, since that’s all she had to offer.
And as always, like that time, after years of avoiding phone calls, I realized how much if I didn’t even let myself think about, phone calls were actually not that bad and quite convenient in their own way, I realized my avoidance was more costly than protective in the end. So I’m hecking doing this.
Like wonderful badass little helpers, I’m asked to create written lists of important things, and to share them to make them even more real to me.
Things I want to say f-ing YES! to. My top 5 Work and Life priorities. My top 10 values. My big plans for the year. Fortunately, I’m thinking about those topics so much that it’s more a way to take stock on everything than actually work.
But still, it stirs up some murky things. Nothing like taking stock on our life and making big promises to our inner child for the future to brings up tons of insecurities, doubts and more of their other nice friends along
And to make sure that was possible, I had to let go of tons of things. That’s okay. We can’t do it all. We were never supposed to. Our best is more than enough. Our rest and health are more important too.
It’s okay to slow down, I keep my foot on the brakes each times I’m on one of these very up cycles. ‘Weirdly’ enough, that makes the down cycles way less down and hard.
It’s freaking EXHAUSTING to muster up our badassery.It feels a lot to me like taking hot and cold showers unexpectedly to me.
So I hope, my dear hummingbird, that when you are too in the middle of your own badassery arena, you take the time to honor your pace, ask for help and support, cut yourself some slack. You deserve this. Accomplishing great things is never linear. It’s often messy because we readjust a lot of shit around. We can’t rearrange the furniture AND keeping it all neat and clean. 

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