I am in a low curve of my motivation lately. My cycle might be partly responsible. But even if it wasn’t, it just happens regularly in such an emotional endeavour as a creative daily challenge. Things get tough. We get overwhelmed.
Fortunately, since it’s also a tough time for me overall, I asked for help, and go very good help. I started working with Tiffany Han in her year long program. I m so excited about this, it feels like the help I needed.
Lately, I felt quite lonely, moving mountains. I know that feeling. It comes up regularly in the most tender and important parts of my recovery and my self-development. The moments where everything feels kind of like it’s too much. When oubt invades our brain through the cracks.
“Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Dreaming of it and be able to make it happen is not the same. Maybe it’s just too hard.” “Maybe I should never have started. I was too presomptuous.”
“I never finish anything I start.”
“Maybe my comfort zone is enough. And I’m fooling myself by wanting to get out of it, I’m not one of those people.”
“What I want is too edgy, different, it will never work out.”
“Maybe it’s okay to be a “struggling and breaking even each month kind of person”, not everyone is cut out to be successful and earning a great living.”
I’m pretty sure you know what I mean. Yes, insecurity and self doubt are in the house.
But I know those rude guests quite well.
They come in late at night or invade the place when I’m not looking, and litter my brain with devastating and discouraging statements.
If they can, they paralyze me so I don’t do anything that seems dangerous to them.
Our job when they invade us? Keep going.
Remind ourselves that it’s normal to doubt ourselves, it doesn’t mean we’re actually not cut out for it, which we don’t know until we tried and actually profoundly and consistently disliked the thing.
Being cut out for something is very rarely a competency issue. Most often, it’s about giving ourselves a chance to try.
And like the wonderful Tiffany Han already told me today : my job is also to say no to something if I want to make room for what I want to say yes to. She reminded me of that principle I love that for each thing we really want, we will have to give up things we have or do.
Adrienne maree brown says is like that :“Our no makes way for our yes”This is so important.
So today, since I was feeling overwhelmed, I make sure to say no to anything that was just adding up to this unnecessarily.
I had two video calls scheduled, one with a friend, one with my therapist, so I limited any other social contact.
I really wanted to paint and write, so I said no to a few moments with my living partner.
I had quite a few things to do all day long, so I said no to checking my phone a lot.
When we want to do hard things, we often have to stay lovingly firm to our inner child.
Say no to a lot of things that would get in our own way.
It is hard to do, but it’s a very liberating practice, leaving us feeling more confident, trusting ourselves more.
Those little sacrifices we make along the way are rarely regretted, since we often have to say no to what we procrastinate and numb ourselves with.
Like when I quit smoking for the last time, I did it because it had started to make me feel like it was making me lose precious time that I wanted to devote to important things.
It was hard, but ultimately, since I had an excellent reason, very important to my heart, it wasn’t a nightmare either, not like when I tried just because I didn’t like the idea of being addicted or that I thought that if I quit, I could then resolve my other problems.
I was saying no to weed to make room for more life.
That trade-off made it quite easier to go on, even on the hardest days.
Like when I’m so full of doubt, and doing something really hard.
Choose you yeses and their companion nos carefully, my dear warrioring hummingbird. Let your heart choose, she knows what really matters to you. She knows the joyful purposeful way, let her lead.