It was one of those days where I can’t do everything I want, or planned. So I’m writing at 2am. It’s going to be a short one.
As usual, my main rule about those days is : do your best without overdoing it, and offer yourself compassion.
I can’t do it all. It’s frustrating, disappointing often, maddening sometimes. But that’s a simple truth that is hard to counter. Trying to anyway is violence towards ourselves.
It is a practice, and a hard one. It demands a lot of awareness and presence. To keep coming back to myself and reprioritize. To let go of things. To deal with so much disappointment and frustration.
And all of this, in a society trying to convince me every day that I am my productivity. That I am worthy only if I do all the things. And that on top of that, they should be amazing, let people in awe. Because I’d only be what others can see and measure of me too.
On those days, I have to go back to why I am fighting for, over and over. I have to remind myself of everything I stand for to counter all the negativity of the messages my environment gives me. Even if my social media feeds are highly and carefully curated, that I avoid to watch the news, knowing that they aren’t helpful, they only bury me under a blanket of powerlessness.
My heart and compassion go to all the people who don’t have that kind of protective practices in their lives. So many of us are keeping busy all day long, slaloming between all the tasks, all their responsibilities, and then all the over information they have to face. All the ways we feel judged, obligated to compare ourselves to others and to 'keep up'. I feel pulled by those forces too, over and over, and they are so powerful and painful.
What is saving me, is the certainty that this system we live in, isn’t what we need. It’s not humane. It’s not designed to let us flourish, but to keep us in line, docile.
Many of you know for a while that I am a radical feminist. Some of you may have heard about a lot of bad things about this. What that really means is that I am very careful about realizing that our world is ruled by different systems of oppressions. They work together, and create a hierarchy between all the people. But no one is that hierarchy really wins.
Rich white men are more and more often demonized. But any radical feminist willing to go deep knows that even them, on top of that hierarchy, are destitute and lonely. That to keep their ‘privilege’ they have to completely disconnect from themselves, which is traumatic and a way to cultive sociopathy. No one is happy that way.
So I know that each time I’m not giving into those messages that would like me to be obsessed by my appearance, my productivity and my social status, I’m rebelling and making baby steps towards changing the world, little by little, doing the best I can.
I hope you know too, dear warrioring hummingbird, that you are part of that slow revolution too.