I am not sure what to write about today, except about the one thing inhabiting my brain : uncertainty.
This is not something that many of us are comfortable with. I certainly am not.
Especially in our rigid culture full of pseudo-certainty, we want to know. We think we NEED to know.
Wether we want a full plan before us, or certainty that the next step is the “right” one, depending on the kind of personality we have, not knowing isn’t something we are generally usually super relaxed about.
In the unknown, we lose control. We don’t know where we are going. All we can count on is our gut, our internal compass.
And in many cultures, gut feelings aren’t taken seriously. We refer to rigid rules on what to think and feel and how to behave. Wether we talk about more community-centric cultures, or more individual-centric cultures, those rules on how to be always exist. And we don’t always know how to exist outside of these referentials.
Lately, my own struggle with certainty is about my work : I know I want/need to change it, I just don’t know how. It's a huge transition for me.
All I know is that I came to a limit on the way I’m doing it right now.
I love my patients so much, I learnt so much from all of them. I just don’t feel like my skills are use at their best potential anymore.
I started by changing the way my website communicates with my future clients/patients and address to the ones I want to work with, with the help of a wonderful coach. Realizing I’m not really a psychologist or therapist anymore. I’m not a coach either. I’m a hybrid between both. I observed a lot how others do it, because observing different ways has always been a way for me to assess what I want and don’t want.
I can feel I want to use what I learned about art and creativity in my practice in some way. Right now, it looks mostly like painting and lettering those little quotes and messages I love so much. I also accompany a lot of my clients/patients in the discovery or recovery of their own creativity now, which I really enjoy. Joy is always a great sign we’re on a path that feels like us.
I can feel social justice needs room too in my practice, because I’m getting deeply uninterested by work with prejudiced people, especially the ones who don’t see why it’s problematic. Not when people wanting to change our world need help in figuring out their path and heal. So activism, or at least socially engaged work, is also an area I deeply enjoy accompanying people on, and one I’m falling out of interest when it’s absent of my work.
But this isn’t as clear as it would appear, that just helps define some things I really want, and others I don’t.
And then there’s the piece about my contribution to the world.
I keep circling back to Glennon Doyle’s sentence “I am confident because I believe I’m a child of God. I am humble because I believe everyone is too.”.
Right now, to me, this means I’m confident because believe I have a unique voice and contribution. But I’m humble and a bit lost because everyone is too and I'm not saying anything revolutionary.
I feel stuck in an ocean of self-declared experts or people who just want to support others. I’m neither.
I worked really hard, and learned a ton in the past decades. I’m not just someone who had a hard time in their life, overcame it and want to support others doing the same, as much repect I have for those warriors too and their contribution, that is very important for our world. I just have something else to offer besides overcoming my traumas and dealing with mental health "successfully".
But I’m also more a stewardess than an expert. Behind my back is the works of dozens, hundreds of passionate geeks who devoted their whole life to one topic, one little piece of what it means to be human.
Themselves, knowingly or not, piggy backed on the work of others. Most knowledge about what it means to be human was discovered millennia ago, we just keep confirming what ancestral knowledge is all about. Pretending otherwise is so often racist, sexist and/or classist.
But that means I’m not sure what my contribution is anymore.
It was so reassuring to explore disciplines like CBT and find tools, methods. To fall into the rabbit hole of human knowledge. But after 10 years of avid reading, learning and experimenting, I’m confident we are circling around the same things over and over, and losing precious time by idealizing experts rather that use that precious knowledge to build a better world.
That we, all the warrioring hummingbirds, need to unite our strengths to make that happen, the thing I keep calling the hummingbird revolution. That, I know. But what does that mean for me? What’s my role in all that? What is my function?
It’s very scary to not know about that anymore. In 20 years, it is the first time I feel so clueless. My inner child is terrified, bordering on panicky. And when money gets into the mix, boy is it scary.
I’m so glad to see more and more patients needing our work less, but not new ones coming, when I feel so uncertain… My defense mechanisms are having a ball. I keep beating myself up in dozens of ways.
Deciding after a melt down that I couldn’t keep going by myself like this, with only a therapy helping my inner child heals their wounds from the past, that I needed someone who could guide lost souls like myself and a community of other lost warrioring hummingbirds, meaning spending money even if I don’t make more of it? Completely terrifying. But that's the only option my heart found right now.
So I keep panicking everyday, between a few sparks of total elation, utter excitment about that future shaping so slowly but also wonderfully. And having little meltdowns all day long.
A few sentences keeps coming back in my journalling and when I quiet a bit my insides and hear my inner guide though.
Trust yourself. Keep doing one baby step after another. Each step you do, each decision you make that is rooted in what your heart needs and wants, rather than what you ego fears or thinks it needs, you’ll learn more.
Exactly like all those things you learned on your way brought you here, in your little chrysalid. Don’t forget everything is messing, disgusting and gooey in there. The beautiful flying butterfly is born in utterly disgusting mess, the caterpillar crushed and melted.
You’re on your way, keep going my little hummingbird.
Healing, growth and flourishing aren’t about knowing at all. We’ll see where it goes and it's time.