15/100 of emotional badassery - In which we write to our inner critic

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash
Dear inner critic,
 
We need to talk.
 
I see you. I hear you. I understand you. 
I really do.
 
You don’t want me to be hurt. To be in danger or in pain. To feel rejected, scared, ashamed. To be wrong or feel like a failure. To lose all credibility and be ridiculed in the public space.
 
If it was up to you, we would only do things that feel safe and certain. No risk, no insecurity, no vulnerability. And I can see the love in your fears for me. Like those of a very clumsy, controlling and intrusive Mama Bear. Overbearing they'd say.
 
Out of fear, you stopped potential greatness too many times in its tracks. 
Out of love, you robbed me of too much joy and pleasure already. 
Out of protection, your overbearing concerns never saved me from real troubles. Listening to them mostly made my life quite difficult and my creative process incredibly terrifying.
 
But enough is enough. 
I will not let myself bully by you anymore. 
I know I can’t make you disappear, you will always be there.
That doesn’t mean I have to take your advice or listen to you rambling over and over on how I suck and will fail and will lose everything that matters to me.
 
I’m going to be blunt here : your only purpose in life is to make me feel like shit and prevent me from doing anything that truly matters to me… In order to protect me? 
Even out of love, this is not okay. And it makes you a bit lame, and quite the cowardly  jerk, I might add. 
Dude, you need to get a life rather invading mine, trying to make me smaller.
 
But as you won’t back off by yourself, and I intend to do more and bigger things, I’m taking matters into my own hands and vow to not treat you as a valuable counsel anymore each time I can help myself.
 
I know you yell louder and harass me more when I am doing bolder edgier things, when I’m taking big leaps of faith towards my dreams. 
That’s when you take out the big guns. 
Hit me where it hurts the most. 
 
Tell me I’m a fraud and will be “discovered”, whatever the hell that means, as if I am a con person, faking my own life. 
That’s when you criticize my every move and decisions. 
That’s when nothing I do is good enough for you. 
That’s when every excuse in the book is fair to stop me, whatever it takes. 
And boy do you get creative. I must give you that. 
 
But still, you gave out your bigger weakness over time : the more I dare, the stronger you come out. 
Which means the more I hear you, the more I know I’m actually on the warrior journey, brave, loving and daring. 
So you’ll keep doing your thing, but you need to know I will keep doing mine too.
 
The days when I thought being scared meant I wasn’t good enough or ready are over. 
 
I will keep chasing my purpose in the most joyful ways, day in and day out.
I will keep failing, and getting back on my feet. Reminding myself as many times as needed that I am learning, and that strength comes from keeping showing up, not from being perfect.
I will keep falling in your old or new traps once in a while, because I’m an imperfect human. And I will keep learning how to avoid them, over and over, and get better at it, practicing my badassery muscles.
 
This is the loving warrior way. A wild, beautiful, magnificent ride that I am willing to take, even if I have to take you with me. 
You won’t stop me from going forward, from honoring my pace, or from admiring the scenery on my way either anymore. 
I did not get that far to let myself intimidate by a freaking voice in my head, even if it’s mine. 
I love myself and my life too much for this now.
 
So game on, you loving jerk.
 
Love,
L.
 
 
 
 

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