Today, I don’t want to write. I’m really tired. I had a long day. I used up a lot of my creativity. It’s late. I already wrote for Instagram, and prepared a couple of posts. I want a break and to not think about anything.
I could skip my writing of course. But I know that that will make it harder for me tomorrow, not easier like my brain is trying to seduce me into thinking. So I’m pushing through and trying to trust my process.
Procrastination is a very efficient tool of resistance. And resistance is a daily companion of creativity, in any medium.
We can either engage endlessly, or take the other road, looking a bit like putting our fingers into our ears and say “lalalala I can’t hear you” by focusing on sitting down and writing. And this is so much easier to write than to do.
I’m summoning mentally my mentors. Elizabeth Gilbert tells us to make it easy, so I’m talking about how hard it is, since it’s all I know right now, and all my brain wants to think about. I’m not thinking too hard about it. It’s almost intuitive writing, that’s the level of editing not happening.
I summoned Julia Cameron too, which taught me that sentence I hang on so often to :
“Dear Universe, I’m in charge of the quantity, you’re in charge of the quantity”
I repeat it today like a mantra. Because today, all I have in me in the courage to sit up and writing, with very little hope in the quality of the result, but still. I’m here. I’ll write my 500 words, even if I check up the word count every 20 words (286 right now haha).
And if they suck…
So what? I’ll have 87 other chances to make it up and write anything better that will come up. Take that, perfectionism!
I actually even think I’m doing that bad. I believe we need more texts like this, about struggles in real time, it’s even one of the reasons why I started that challenge.
Sometimes, all we can do is showing up and be ok with the possibility of sucking. Just for the sake of showing up, and knowing we did honor the promises we made to ourselves. I’d even say that recovery is mostly about this.
Day in and day out, even when it doesn’t feel useful or good to us, trusting that keeping our commitment to ourselves is enough. That we are enough just as we are. And hoping it will feel a little bit better tomorrow.
And actually, I must say that, as always, and Julia Cameron keeps repeating in her wisdom : writing in itself made me feel better. It was actually a perfect end to this very long day.
I won’t keep writing after my 500 words, mind you. I’m not suddenly super inspired and excited. But my mood is just slightly better, which is way more than I was expecting.
Now, on those words, I will reward me with some delicious chocolate fondant my favourite man made, some herbal tea and a lovely TV show episode before dosing off.